It’s time to start putting more pen to paper…. well in this case, fingertips to keyboard. I totally believe that you need to know the person who will be photographing your life. So I’m going to start sharing some thoughts, facts and other things. I hope after you read a few of these Journal entries that you know me on another level, and makes us feel more like long lost family members.
I want to tell you about my dream last night. I woke up in a panic and just couldn’t get it out of my head. It was about Lola. She was sleeping on my arm right next to me and it made me hold her even closer. It felt so real and I just couldn’t shake it. I lay awake for another hour just thinking about it and how my mind was making it out to be real.
It starts with a play date with Norah, her friend Chloe, and Lola. The Mum, Jo, and I have coffee and chat about life. We are out somewhere in the city. I had this really uneasy feeling, right in the pit of my stomach, that Jo loves Lola just that little bit too much and wishes she had her as her own daughter. We walk and she hold’s Lola’s hand like her own child. After the kids had been playing for a while Lola gets suddenly sick and has these huge sores appear on her body. We all whisk her off to the hospital, except I’m outside with Norah and Chloe while Jo takes Lola inside. Jo comes out moments later with two pieces of paper and no Lola. NO LOLA. I ask where Lola is and Jo said she couldn’t be saved. WHATTTTT.
… This dream went from normal to crazy in what felt like seconds…
I read the paper that the Mum handed me and it’s about a disease that once someone contracts it, they need to be put down. Like an animal who can’t be saved. Like an animal that needs to be put out of pain. My mind was racing, my breathing was erratic. The dream jumps to the next day. We are eating breakfast and Tony asks where Lola is. I say she was having a sleepover, not knowing how to explain that she was gone. GONE. She was never coming back.
I’m still breathing erratically. I’m fairly certain that I was breathing like this, not only in my dream.
I realise in a panic that it can’t be true. What hospital would just take a child and not at least let the parents say goodbye. Give them a hug, tell them that everything will be alright. Wait, it really can’t be true, can it? I think back to Jo. No, she definitely had something to do with this.
I’m in a crazy panic, my dream is skipping from one place to the next. I’m now at the hospital. Jo is outside. I accuse her of doing something to Lola. I’m screaming at her. It is one of those dreams where you can’t quite do something. I’m screaming at her but she isn’t hearing me. There was a man inside. I try to get inside to see who he is and what he is doing there. I just know that Jo took Lola into the hospital to give to this man. A wave came over me that this man is her husband. WOAH.
Then I’m awake. I’m breathing hard and hitting myself on my leg, with Lola sleeping on my arm. I start crying, I’m so angry and stressed. Obviously it was just a dream, but it felt SO REAL. Like it could actually happen.
So there I was at 3am, hugging Lola, Norah sleeping into my back and Tony snoring away on the other side of the bed. I quietly call over to Tone to see if he was awake, it’s almost like I needed to debrief with him.
I had to get up, to get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, to stop my mind from thinking about this dream….
And here I am, the next day still thinking about it. My own version of debriefing. With both kids at home sick today and Lola is just extra cuddly. We had a lay on the couch together for almost 2 hours and Norah right there with us.
Until next time ♡